Christmas has definitely been different this year, but what else did i expect? Christmas eve was probably the hardest of all. While my family were all getting ready to go to my Aunts and all be together i was here in Meadan with a couple of people who decided it was important enough to leave the internet cafe, which consumes their lives and keep me company and eat the food me, denni and arun prepared. Though they showed up 3 hours late I still appreciate that they came. I had many arguments with the security guards in my complex which lead to tears of frustration and missing everything being so easy, and obviously the fact that if i were in Canada and it was Christmas Eve, I would be in a room full of Madsens' sipping, actually probably gulping wine, and eating as much rice pudding as possible until someone found the almond.

Not everything about Christmas was so bad. I planned a BBQ which only 6 of the 20 so people i invited showed up to. but during the day denni and i went on a picnic to this park with weird children, and by the way, indonesians HATE being outside because their skin gets darker (completely ridiculous thinking, but true) anyways, while i basked in the sun, denni sat in the shade and denounced his love for picnics. I was truley surprised, but extremely happy because now we will be going on more of them. i hope. anyways, it was super cute. then we went to carrefor where we bought loads of stuff for the bbq, including a bbq and then wondered how the hell we were going to fit this, plus ourselves on a motorcycle, it was HILARIOUS. so so crazy, we did it. it was completely laughable, i was laughing so much. i made homemade burgers, and bought some salmon, and made some veggies and even asparagus, YUM. but still the fact that barely anyone showed up made me super sad. I guess i realized that all "my friends" are denni's friends, and im just his gf that tags along. I thought they cared but im starting to realize this is untrue. I dont have friends here. i know some of them care but its hard because we dont exactly speak the same language but im beginning to find it very hard to not have friends. im always surrounded by good amazing, kind-hearted, loving people, ALWAYS. I guess I am pretty damn lucky to be able to say this. And for the first time in my life i dont have these kind of people around. i have denni, who has been incredibly awesome and understanding throughout these holidays and truly i would be a total mess if it wasnt for him but still i need that solid ground, these solid friends that i know are there for me and vice versa.

NOTE: i am totally going to go off on a rant and then will return to the christmas post.

Nobody here is open. I havent heard anyone share their feelings, crying is looked down upon, what kind of society is this? How can you justify crying being a bad thing?

I'm really confused about this culture, in some ways they seems so geniunely happy and content with their lives but they are all so unfree, so locked up! the children arent allowed to do anything their parents dont agree with, they arent allowed to move out unless they are married or studying aboard, they arent allowed to marry out of love but out of religion, they arent allowed to do anything with their bodies or life that their parents didnt do. How do you learn, how do you grow if you cant make mistakes? I see very few rebel from this, which is so strange to me. I mean we were given so much freedom yet still rebelled, well i know i did. ok, now on the other side of things, the parents are treated much better than we probably treated ours during our adolescent years but where do you draw the line? were we completely out of whack, completely fucked up? no, of course not, we had our moments im sure of it, but never did we feel like we didnt love our parents, didnt respect what they had to say. we took their guidance into consideration and they know that, but you cant always side with them, you cant make the same choices they did or they deem right. we are our own people because our parents gave us freedom to choose, maybe not with all choices, and we probably made some bad ones along the way but i can never ever imagine living and thinking about what my parents will think about every single decision i make. the thing is though, all the parents know they have this control and power over their children and it all seems so unfair. they use it against their children and its horrible. dont get me wrong i respect my parents but they arent going to make my choices for me. i guess the control, the non-independence and freedom young people have is the thing i single-handedly hate most about this culture.

There has to be a point where you realize you are you and not a replica of your parents. be your own person, do your own thing, there is so much in life your parents were afraid to do, were to consumed to do, didnt have the chance that you have. Go and do these things, and dont hold back. You will regret more things you didnt do then mistakes you made along the way.



END OF RANT.

Christmas day was weird.
obviously the weirdest. i woke up at 6am to go meet my family on the internet. after that we came home and denni opened his stocking and we slept some more. we went to his house and i got my xmas present a new phone, CDMA bitches. im stoked about it. anyways, i went to work with him because my friends didnt call me and i didnt want to be alone. then zura called and i went and saw twilight with her and her friends, which wasnt as lame as i thought it was gonna be. after that i just went back to macbeth, where there was a whole bunch of people and indah and arga came and indah gave me her xmas gift, a cute little butterfly shirt from bali. we then waited for the rain to stop and went out for dinner at trattoria, this italian resturant, where denni had his first xmas dinner, though he said he wasnt celebrating, i drank wine and that made me happy. it made me happy that he came and ate christmas dinner with me and was just so super awesome about it. so that was my christmas.

other than that i havent been doing much, dennis friend molen is in town, who is fucking really rad and im so stoked about it. and im not sure what im doing new years, there is this party on the beach but i dunno, its so far away, who knows. maybe hotel party?!

enjoy your holidays friends.

im sad.
all my bule friends are leaving me, im here in medan, im going with indah and arga to their family on xmas day but i just cant help being very overwhelmed and completely sad.

today stacie leaves, and im going to cry so hard. im already crying.

i just wanna have a good xmas. i wont.

ahhh..
im keeping so busy here in medan, and having so much fun that sometimes i forget to stop and think about home. i mean, i guess its okay because then i dont get sad that i miss everyone so much, but it makes me feel weird and bad and really sad when i breathe and think about everyone.

i have been doing things that i definitely dont do in canada. the other day we went to karaoke, like intimate karaoke. have you ever seen lost in translation? YEAH, like that. it was so weird and cool. it was half indonesians and half bules. I have been hanging out with lindsay and stacie alot and they both leave this month, actually half of the western teachers leave this month. the only ones left are me, adam, jason and keith. its going to be so weird. i will be living in a house all by myself for 2 weeks until a 25 year old british guy shows up, which is my new roomie. i wish someone from canada would get the fuck out here and teach with me. i promise we would have fun. obviously. anyways, im really sad lindsay and stacie are leaving, stacie is coming back to indonesia in 3 weeks though, just to jakarta and not medan, so i will see her soon enough. since im moving to jemadi i am going to have to say bye to some of my classes at hayam. my favourite class is there, its mostly girls age 14-16 and two boys. they are really sweet and ask me about everything and i will like talking to them and teaching them. everytime they pronounce a word wrong i will repeat it correctly, but if you know me, you know how i talk and kind of make all my words with strange tones, or sounding like a question, well they all copy exactly how i say it and then i laugh really hard at them.

on another note. i got my ribs tattooed. holy crap. one, is it ever cheap to get tattoos here, two, HOLY FUCK. does that hurt like a mother fucker or what. i was in so much pain i almost threw up afterwards. it was intense. denni got a tattoo and apparently muslims arent allowed to have tattoos. the qu'ran says that it closes your skin(blocks your pores) i basically said thats bullshit, cuz it is. and the tattoo artist told him that as well, so he did it. but he's hiding it from his mom cuz if she finds out he will be in deep shit.

i miss the snow believe it or not, i think i just miss breathing that nice fresh air and being cold and cuddling. i go to bukit lawang again this weekend so thats retreat enough. GOD i love the jungle. on monday i go to jakarta. im gonna see angels and airwaves, hahahahahahahahaha. and give out flyers for macbeth. god im so cool. lol.

i always feel like i have so much more to say when i start writing and then i cant think of anything. things happen during my time that i think thats interesting and i should tell people about that. but i forget. oh, fact. boys here think if girls dont shave their legs its hot, WEIRD. just a little cultural differences for y'all.

religion religion

being here has made me have much more respect for religion, seeing as i completely hated it before i got here. i mean, i dont think in anyway i will ever have a religion but i think it's kind of neat that some people do.

i feel like religion is so controlling over your life. like you have these rules that some person wrote in a book and you either follow them whole-heartedly or half ass it. it kind of annoys me when people half ass it. how do you pick and choose which things to follow and which rules to break? i always feel like you totally cant be yourself or express yourself fully because you're scared of what god or your family will think, what others will think. i've had people say to me, oh, i want to do this but i cant. I dont understand how you can want something and be perfectly capable of doing it, but feel held back because of your religion. it just seems so ridiculous, i guess this may be the sole reason that i dont have a religion. oh, and maybe the fact that i cant fanthom the idea that there is some god watching and being there for us or up there punishing us for things we do wrong. if there is a god up there, he shouldnt be so judgemental.

dont get me wrong, i respect people that have something or someone to pray to and rules for life. but for me, i can write when i feel down, i can talk to my friends. i can hope and hope that things will just work, and thats good enough for me. i can learn from my mistakes, because i know i will make them and that's fine. i accept that. i'm me, i'm going to live my life how i think its right, not how some book tells me i should. and with this i will try my hardest to be the best person, friend, anything i can be.

so people keep asking me what i want for xmas.

this is what i miss and what i made a list for for my sister to bring to indo from canada, but now she is not coming so.

falafel mix (bulk barn)
bras (cotton bras from winners, 36B)
Wine
Havianas
Chickpeas
American Apparel Sweater(zip up hoody, dont care what colour, purple or blue or whatever you think would look nice)
Mascara (any good kind really)
Black American Apparel Tights
Taco kits x5
My Craft Kit :( :(
Nylon Magazine
Any Gossip Magazines
Pataks Curry Sauce (not sure which one but its thicker)
Chili Powder
Dill

HAHA. weirdest list ever.

I cant think of anything else, except an IPOD. but money for an ipod.

MERRY XMAS

i have only 10 minutes to write.
i really should give myself more time for this sort of thing.

new news.
my friend indahs father is in the hospital, so thats shitty. and i went to go visit and there was mati lampu, meaning lights out, POWER OUT. power out in a hospital. WTF.

um. apparently indonesia thought they were all cool and had fucking laser disc players and vcd inbetween vhs and dvd. please look up laser disc players, because i had a huge laugh when i found out these things exist.

i gained weight. why when im happy do i eat more. whats the deal with that. ugh. i mean i lost weight, so i was smaller and now im back to the same i was in canada. but its shitty here because people just mention that you have gained weight or why are you fat now. its so fucking annoying. they say oh we are just honest. well, do you want me to say look at the fucking huge pimple on your face, or you look quite ugly today, or you are fucking ugly. FUCK YOU.

im going to bukit lawang this weekend with denni. he hasnt been since it flooded like 5 years ago. im taking him for his birthday which is next week. then dec 8-10 we are going to jakarta! im so excited

my sister is no longer coming until the new year.

i finally signed my contract at work. and will get my flight money back, which is all going to osap and papa.

im staying in medan for christmas because everyone is going away and i have nobody or nowhere to go. plus lack of funds. so i will stay in medan and go to indah and argas familys house. they were both raised christian so they have family that is christian.

i think im gonna get a bunch of fruit tattooed on my side. what are you thoughts?

i go to penang again in one month and not really looking forward to it one bit, BUT in good news i will be a legal worker in medan then!

i ate so much pineapple and papaya just an hour ago and im so damn full. im going to explode. really.

im moving back into a bule house in mid december, i really dont feel independent enough in the house im living in and considering i havent lived with a parental figure in 5 years, its a little tough.

i hope to recieve some mail, i have only recieved two pieces. but i guess i need to send some out. i have postcards just waiting at home. its so much more difficult to mail here though. there is only like 2 post offices in the whole city. anyways. i really miss my friends and i love you all.

MUCH LOVE

ps. hope you are enjoying the snow

new new new.

friends friends friends.

i have and havent been learning more of the language. i do understand more, which is progress obviously, but its been really hard having friends that i cant really talk to. its making me real homesick, you know how much i LOVE talking, so not being able to talk to people is really bringing me down. BUT, i have met a new friend, who is a girl, and is super fucking cool. Her name is Indah, which means spectacular, beautiful, like if you were looking at a pretty landscape thats what you would say. anyways, she speaks pretty good english and is going to take me to a 2nd hand market to go shopping. I am totally beyond stoked.

denni made me write about me being homesick and i wrote a song about jamie. and now his band is gonna play it. haha, its so cool.

we celebrated halloween, they dont do that here. so during class with my kids i made them all make halloween masks, it was super fun and cute, especially cuz i like my friday classes. on saturday night there was a halloween party at my old house. i dont even know what i was, but it was real fun, minus the fact i ended up throwing up. maybe it was because there was whiskey poured into my mouth, or the fact i was drinking vodka out of the bottle. hahaha. so classy i am.

my new homestay is going well. i just need some of my own space sometimes, but i just really need to get settled in still. i need to walk around the area and get to know it and everything around.

i had 4 hours of sleep and i have alot of classes today, and i really just dont even know how i will make it. haha. OH OH OH MY SISTER MIGHT BE COMING, i think i mentioned this in my last post. whoops.

uhh, thats all for now folks.