we are officially moving to indonesia august 18th. we are leaving halifax august 11th, which is so soon.

i feel like we didnt get settled enough here in halifax, but i really dont think now is the time we would. i dont feel like if we stay another year things will change. I really really want to go across seas and teach and i think now is the time. maybe it would have been different if these past few months were different but they're not. and its time to move on. i will miss alot of people i have met and become fond of, i will be back in nova scotia to live again in a while. we have a year contract with our jobs but definitely wont be back then.

my bestfriend feels so far away right now. so so far away. i just wanna hug her and feel comfortable, completely comfortable with her. i feel comfortable with adam but i want to with her. its just not the same.

i am so bottled up. but therapy is helping but making some things VERY heavy on my shoulders. i still cry pretty much daily but i feel better around people. i feel more outgoing and social, not as awkward. apparently i have found myself having abandonment issues. i have to learn to deal with them and move on.

all and all things are going good, minus a few bits here and there, i really cant wait to see my ontario friends and give them all hugs and cry for days. jo gale is here today and i am not going to wear mascara.

i'm sitting here with tequila hair (salt water, plus lemon-natural hair lightener) its a complete mess. i have sand in probably every crevice of my body. and sweating so hard.

as you can probably tell i went swimming in the ocean today. never been, well i was in once when i was like 4 in myrtle beach, but i definitely dont remember that.

it was so fun. Robyn, Erin and I went to the ocean/beach today, it was such a perfect day, not too hot but hot enough. we body surfed those waves even though the ocean was so god damn cold, we stuck it out and did it. it was alot saltier than i imagined. the salt in your eyes stings, i wasnt sure if it was the lemon or the salt water. i enjoyed some of the ocean down my throat, didnt actually enjoy in, but i definitely have the ocean in my bladder right now.

there were these two hot mamas with the most adorable kids, the youngest was the cutest, she was probably about 1 year old blonde curly hair and super pale. SO CUTE. she came over to us and erin gave her a juice box, she just wanted to explore and be friends with us. we felt bad smoking pot around them and stopped shortly after they arrived.

its so nice and hot out and i am going to make myself some salmon with lemon and dill and eat some greens. i feel like a fresh meal after a pretty fresh day. then tonight we are going to drink flirtini's and get silly, and watch some sex and the city.

today was a good day. i have had many good days in the last little while. things are looking up.

oh and i think we are going to head to indonesia instead of china.

i have been waking up at 4am-6am the past few days and tossing and turning for hours on end, then i will fall asleep again and only get to sleep about an hour more.

i feel lost, confused, alone. i want this to change. but by the time it changes i will be in china, lost confused and alone. i wanted this summer to be the best summer of my life thus far. not a chance its coming close to summer 05. i mean, im doing all these things that if i were actually happy then maybe it would be alot better i just dont know.

i dont feel i have a support system really anywhere i go. i know i do. but i dont feel that way. its so messed up. i just want to sleep.

i cry pretty much like its my job. i dont think there has been a day in as long as i can remember where i dont cry. i dont feel like my time here is maximized, i feel like im missing out. i feel left out.

i know some people really dont like to hear all of this, but this is how i feel and dont read it if you dont want to hear it i guess.

i feel bitter, i feel so many wrong things. i just want them all to go away.

im sorry my blog is so negative.